By Jon Hunt

Note: This article comes to us courtesy of Jon Hunt, one of the proprietors of The SMiLE Shop and is a handy dandy how-to guide for those journalists who wish to write a review of Brian Wilson's new album. It will be funny to see just how many journalists out there use this guide!

As a public service to journalists everywhere, we will be featuring a "how to write a SMILE album review" in our August issue…just in time for all to use when Brian Wilson delivers the new SMiLE in September of 2004.

Take it away Mr. Hunt...

Here's a by-the-numbers way to write a review if you're writing one for a British or American newspaper (note: newspaper reviewers tend to be, um, less knowledgable than their magazine counterparts. Why is that?)

1. Mention Pet Sounds at least once, maybe twice, since that's the only album you've likely heard.

2. Mention Brian being "crazy" or "mad," probably frequently. Try to weave that into the text of your review. Extra points if you mention his time spent in bed.

3. If you're from England, mention the Royal Albert Hall Pet Sounds shows, and how whatever you're reviewing fails to stack up.

4. Mention Eugene Landy at least once.

5. Mention the other Beach Boys, if you're short on space. Mention Mike Love somehow, make a crack about him.

6. Manage to dislike whatever current thing your'e reviewing, especially as compared to the one thing you DID hear, Pet Sounds.

7. Bonus points for mentioning the wrecking crew, or someone's name from the wrecking crew, briefly.

8. Bonus points for knowing the name of the Wondermints, but call them a "lackluster" (or "lacklustre" if you're from England) Los Angeles pop band, and say they don't stack up to the Wrecking Crew / Beach Boys, at least once.

9. Make a couple statements about Brian's current mental health, and make at least one statement about his current voice.

10. Make a couple statements about what you think is "best" for Brian. Make sure its not what he's currently doing -- i.e. working.

11. Use the phrase "troubled genius" at least once.

12. Be sure to mention that Brian had a piano in a sandbox in his living room during the 1960's (if you need to fill column space, feel free to mention that he took the sandbox out when his dogs were using it for other purposes).

13. Mention that he spent most of the 1970's in his bed, cleverly mentioning the Bare Naked Ladies "Brian Wilson" song (to show you really know your "current" music!).

So easy. You don't have to know anything much about Brian, you only have to have heard ONE Beach Boys record, and you come off sounding like you're a super-fan, right??